Ben

Does anyone remember the rat, Templeton, on Charlotte’s Web? Specifically, the scene where he is having a smorgasbord and eating everything at the fair. Well, my mind felt like that earlier this week. Our household started the Keto diet Monday, and let’s just say it has been a long week. 

With any diet, the cravings are ridiculous. You have no idea how much I wanted to be that rat floating around in Dr. Pepper and eating KitKats and ice cream and peach cobbler and blackberry cobbler and sweet tea. This is codswallop! A southerner without sweet tea or cobbler is just WRONG.

Eating right is hard y’all! I’m from the south, eating is part of our heritage. So is sweet tea. So are cobblers and so forth…..ooooooohhhh HOT WATER CORNBREAD.

The price of all of this healthy food for this Keto diet are also outrageous. I can empathize with people who say they can’t afford to be on a diet because it cost me three times as much on my grocery bill than what I usually buy, I’d say equivalent to a nice down payment on a new car. 

Oh, and Coke Zero tastes like the devil made it; however, for now, it has a bubbly satisfaction that I crave. 

Hangry, the state of being so hungry that it causes one to feel anger. Hangry doesn’t even describe what I feel. But I know that this is a lifestyle change and weight will be lost and that means a trip soon for new clothes. 

The initial trip to the grocery store was not fun. You know people look at you like you’re spreading the plague now if you aren’t wearing a mask and then I dropped the darn asparagus on the floor and frantically tried to figure out what to do with it, as it surely picked up some terrible germs and viruses that we shall not name as it flopped to the floor. A lady stood next to me with her arms all akimbo like I’d dropped the last asparagus she’d ever find, just stares at me and lets out a gasp so loud it was comparable to shrieking mandrake roots from our favorite wizard movies. 

Geez. 

Work-out? Ahem....well, we haven’t gotten to that point yet. I’m sure that the phase of the diet is coming. For now, grocery outings will be considered work-out sessions. (You know, from dodging people and picking up produce from the floor). 

I don’t know if I picked a good time to be on a diet. There’s still no fairly priced toilet paper anywhere, and hand sanitizer is just a memory of the past. All of these things adding to my anxiety levels...and avocados cost too much!  Being home all the time, Little Debbie and cobblers are now carrot sticks and string cheese. (sigh) 

But, when I am 50 pounds lighter it will be worth it. 

WHY PATTIE LABELLE? Why did I have to find and LOVE your cobblers so much? Pattie, if you see this column, I am going to need you to make a Keto-friendly version of both of them cobblers! 

Enough complaining. The carbs were fun while they lasted. IF you see an SOS on the front window of the newspaper, just send cobbler. It’s because I’m still hangry.

Ben Marmolejo-Najera is the graphic designer for The Henderson News. His email is graphics@thehendersonnews.com. © 2019, Henderson Newspapers Inc.

Thank you for reading!

Please log in, or sign up for a new account and purchase a subscription to read or post comments.